Patriot Report

Patriot Report

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Bush Tackles Electoral College



"In American Football, it is vital that every touchdown count, and that every point be counted. But the outcome should be decided by players, not a protracted instant replay process. I would not give up this fight if there was a chance that we would prevail."

"But is now clear that even when all the red flags are thrown, which they will be, there won't be enough outstanding points for us to be able to win Ohio."


Senator John Forbes Kerry

November 3rd, 2004


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Presidential Pigskin



The long history connecting the United States Presidency with the sport of football continues today on election day 2004. The Patriot Report was honored to catch up with President Bush and Senator Kerry to debate the issues facing the football electorate.

Patriot Report: What is your game plan to open the contest?

Senator Kerry: " I will make American football safer than President Bush. The key to winning is to establish the running game early. I have a better plan to make this happen starting on January 20th. I have played football for this country as a young man, and I will defend that right as President of the United States.

President Bush: " You know it is hard work. You know where I stand. I am going to pound the run game. And if that does not work, I will stay resolute and not get away from the running game. The terrorists expect us to try some fancy flea-flickers, but I will not waver. You know it is hard work."

Patriot Report: What can tip the election one way or another?

President Bush:"Republicans must take care of the ball. That means playing to my base and getting those kind Christian folks out to vote that stayed home in 2000 after that flap over Jack Daniels and driving. You know what I stand for. Smash mouth football. We will dominate the line of scrimmage. You know it is hard work."

Senator Kerry: "I have a 3 part plan to take care of the ball. First, keep it close to my body. Second, change positions, I mean hands when facing the tackler. Third, did you know Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter?"

Patriot Report: What future role do you forsee for NFL Europe and American Football relations?

Senator Kerry: The President has failed to build a true coalition with the players in NFL Europe. His go it alone posturing as endangered the future security of great NFL Europe players such as Kurt Warner. I plan to hold a summit of football players from all over the world. That is something President Bush has failed to accomplish.

President Bush: My opponent can not lead America into the next era of American football by denigrating our pigskin allies. His vision of a global test will not work on the gridiron. You forgot Poland. Sebastian Janikowski is living the American dream of bottomless whiskey bottles and ecstasy for all.

Nixon Goes to the Tape

"What does this mean, this common interest in football of Presidents, of leaders, of people generally? It means a competitive spirit. It means, also, to me, the ability and the determination to be able to lose and then come back and try again, to sit on the bench and the come back. It means basically the character, the drive, the pride, the teamwork, the feeling of being in a cause bigger than yourself. All of these great factors are essential if a nation is to maintain character and greatness for that nation. So, in the 100th year of football, as we approach the 200th year of the United States remember that our great assets are not our military strength or our economic wealth, but the character of our young people, and I am glad that America's young people produce the kind of men that we have in American football today."

"What we need in the spirit of this country and the spirit of our young people is not playing it safe always, not being afraid of defeat--being ready to get into the battle and playing to win, not with the idea of destroying or defeating or hurting anybody else, but with the idea of achieving excellence."


- President Richard Milhous Nixon

December 9, 1969

JFK on Football



"Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole."

- President John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Jerry Who?


"I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today."

- President Gerald R. Ford

Win One for the Gipper

Win one for the Gipper!

-George Gip a.k.a. President Ronald Wilson Reagan

"Now I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew George Gipp. He was long before your time, but you all know what a tradition he is at Notre Dame. And the last thing he said to me, "Rock," he said, "sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Rock," he said, "but I'll know about it and I'll be happy."

- Knute Rockne

Monday, November 01, 2004

New Patriots DVD


It didn't take long for the marketing machine on Route 1 to get over yesterday's streak breaking loss to the Steelers. The cleverly titled 2-set DVD "21" The Story Behind the NFL's Longest Winning Streak. is available for pre-order on the Patriots website.

Streak Ends at 21 Games


The New England Patriots record setting winning streak came to an end yesterday at Teresa Heinz Kerry Field in the bowels of Pittsburgh at the hands of the Steelers 34-20.

Ron Borges has been sharpening the knife for 399 days since the last Patriots loss.

Belichick went to some lengths to offer up unsolicited last Monday how the Patriots had practiced two days earlier "exactly the situation" his team faced the previous day against the Jets just before halftime, when it marched downfield for what proved to be the winning touchdown. This was not the first time Belichick had talked after a victory of some prescient moment he'd had during one of the team's closed practices a day or two before a game. Always, it seemed, whatever they'd practiced miraculously came to fruition when it counted.

Well, unless they practiced picking their quarterback up off the ground last Friday, there couldn't have been much they worked on last week that had anything to do with what occurred yesterday at Heinz Field, where the Steelers manhandled the previously undefeated Patriots, 34-20.


It's a short trip from the Penthouse to the Outhouse.


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    One man's take on the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots and a look at the lighter side of media coverage on the team and the NFL. Parody is not intended as grounds for libel

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